How to hit on girls in the club

Good morning lovely readers of the Goddess Blog and welcome to a lovely sunny Saturday and welcome to another end-of-the-week post with your one and only Goddess!

Today I will be sharing several things that you lovely gentlemen can do in order to properly hit on girls in the club! Be sure to read it all up - and as always, be sure to drop in some lovely cups of coffee along the way!

Let me get this out of the way: I love both going to the club (dancing and music are great!) and dudes (they're so cute!). But dudes absolutely ruin the club. There's a reason ladies often get in for free or cheap: Both dudes and non-dudes are happier when the dude ratio is lower. Just a small sampling of things that have happened to me in the club: A dude put my hand on his boner and said, "You did this." A dude threw his drink on me when I ignored him. A dude I was actually dancing with whispered, "Are you on birth control?" A dude started waving (a laughably paltry amount of) money in my face when I said I wasn't interested. And I've lost count of how many dudes have grabbed various parts of my body without anything remotely close to my say-so.

You will notice a commonality here in the doers of these actions. Sure, those are extremely insane things that you would (I hope) never do, but there's a million other smaller ways dudes make the club stressful and shitty, mostly by hitting on girls when we really, really are just there to dance. But I know: The girls are so hot, and there's so many of them, and they look so good while they're dancing, and you want to do it with them! Well, if you insist on bugging us, here's some rules you can follow to keep things chill and fun for everybody.

1. Have Another Reason To Be There

The club is for dancing and having a good time with your friends. And yeah, sure, people of all genders go there in the hopes of hooking up. But if that's the only reason you're there, you're leeching off of the good energy the fun-havers are putting out there and bumming everybody out.

2. Don’t Lurk

A lot of dudes will just loom near girls who are dancing, seemingly in hopes of eventually touching or talking to us. Stop that, dude: You're killing our vibe. Even putting aside the truly important consideration of our vibe, it is totally antithetical to your goal of seeming attractive and cool. No girl has ever been like, "Ooh, see that guy lurking over there? Yeah, girl, the lurk-y one. Wish he'd lurk around in my bedroom, if you catch my drift."

3. Wait For Her Signal

This is some "best practices" shit that I know you're not gonna follow, but if she thinks you're cute, she'll make eye contact and maybe smile a little. "But," you protest, "if I only hit on girls who clearly want me to, then I'll never get to hit on any girls." Hmmm. Maybe let that one marinate for a few.

4. Approach From The Front

I hope this seems insane to you, dear reader, but there are dudes in the club who will sort of dance behind girls, inching closer and closer in a hopeful manner until they are "dancing with" you. I don't quite get what the thought process behind this maneuver is, if they think it's like a frog in boiling water, and we won't notice it happening since it's so gradual, and then once they're dancing with us, we'll just have to be like, "Oh, I guess this is my new life, this is fine"? Sorry, but that is not a thing. Don't sneak up on us. Pretend like we're horses. I mean, not generally, just if for some reason you need help remembering not to approach us from the back (weirdo).

5. Say Hi

Normal human stuff. Don't do any pickup-artist shit, like vaguely insult our hair or ask us a "zany" question or whatever. We're onto you, and we hate it.

6. Offer To Buy A Drink

It's not a bribe—it's a good-faith gesture demonstrating that you respect the value of her time. (Equality, shmequality—we're all adults, so let's not pretend we don't know whose time is more valuable here.)

7. Dance

This is the fun part! If you don't dance, why are you at the club?

8. Hands Off

Definitely never start an interaction by touching or grabbing her. And I want to tell you that once you're dancing, and she's throwing off major vibes, touching her waist or whatever is cool, but I don't trust you, so keep your hands to yourself unless you're sure. Are you sure you're sure? Also, even if you're touching her and she's cool with it, don't get greedy and grab around all willy-nilly. That's for home, or maybe the cab.

9. Respect The Cockblock

Female friendship is real as hell, and our friends are, with rare exceptions, on our team. They want us to get it on with someone cool as much as we do, so if her friends are intercepting you to dance up on her themselves or dragging her off somewhere, chances are your presence is unwanted, and she's made it known. Our girls are our secret weapons against creepers, not jealous haters trying to keep us from the D.

10. If Drunk, Abort

I hope I don't have to explain this one. If she's super drunk and super feeling you, that's great—get her number and text her when she's sobered up. And if you're really drunk, go home. Chances are you're being obnoxious, your vibe-reading abilities have been dampened, and you're not feeling the social inhibition necessary for a civil society.

11. Have FUN!

I know guys and Sugar Daddies are reading this thinking I'm a hater, but I really do believe that consensual club flirting is a beautiful thing, and I partake all the time. Flirting should be fun—it's not an adversarial process unless you make it one. Don't treat us like bodyguards who are trying to keep you from having sex with us. We are us. So help us help you have a good time with us.

And there you have it guys - a simple how-to in the hitting on girls in the club game!

I really hope you learned a quick thing or two and are ready to put all of this new knowledge up to use.

Goddess loves you all, have a wonderful weekend and I will see you all on Monday,

xxxxx